2009 World Telekinesis Competition

Team Profiles

The Malevenia Analysticians

History would have you believe that the Malevenia Analysticians bowed out of last year's World Telekinesis Competition in the first round, to "puppets" no less. Ha-ha-ha, how fitting. Yet disturbing rumours persist, perpetuated mostly by those earnest dorks over at the "Telekinesis Truth Movement", that last year's competition was a ruse, that in fact a massive psychic cover-up was enacted, and that even your living memory is not to be trusted. We, the Malevenia Analysticians, do hereby enter the 2009 World Telekinesis Competition to set the record straight: it's all TRUE, we in fact WON last year's competition!

Entering into the contest, our minds were focused on the task at hand. Subsequent to our cakewalk victory, however, and allowing our minds to once again broadly scan the energy universe for essential knowledge, we began to fully comprehend not only how our ongoing covert not-for-profit operations would be compromised by the ensuing publicity, but in fact how the world itself would be made to suffer for the failure of our cause. Hence, we made the responsible decision to plant what has come to be referred to as the "official story" into the minds of all involved. Devising this fictional defeat was distasteful to us, and a drain on our fantastic energy levels, but the alternative might have proven dangerous to our many psychic agents (pawns) in the field. We have lived with the results of our own intervention for the past year, and with each passing moment bile has collected, disdain has mounted, and malevolence has become so acute that we have taken steps to submerge operations, reinforce the perimeters and gird our metaphorical loins in order to win the 2009 competition unfettered. That's right, you heard it here first, we have decided to allow ourselves the due entitlement of victory -- WE WILL ALLOW OURSELVES OUR RIGHTFUL WIN IN THE 2009 WORLD TELEKINESIS CHAMPIONSHIPS!

The Malevenia Analysticians remain a potent triumvirate that brings together the forces of mind control, black magic, and good intentions. Our team is made up of an ESP prodigy, a Ouija master with undisclosed ties to the government, and a professionally trained assistant with a broad range of mental and physical skills. Collectively, we have chosen the 2009 World Telekinesis Competition as the proper occasion to open up an unprecedented can of mental whoop-ass in what is sure to be remembered as the ultimate conquering vindication of all time.

David LaRiviere: At age two LaRiviere earned the dubious distinction of being the youngest Nazi scientist to be transplanted into the American military industrial complex as a part of "operation paperclip." Since that time he has had a finger in nearly every pie: hanging out on grassy knolls, chopper-lifting massive quantities of cocaine into the US to fund the Contras, and, of course, George W. Bush. As recent as 2006, with the aid of various double-identities, LaRiviere conspired to launch www.mkultra-foods.com (which was further developed by yo mama if you think it that easy and the Department of Unnamed Scienfascist Doublespeakers USD). The development of a web presence enabled LaRiviere to channel his formidable powers through the internet-- the most proliferate series of tubes known to science. To be sure "nutrition" constitutes a certain cutting edge of behaviour modification technology; this is the good work of MKULTRA-Foods. However the "maestro of mischief" will not be satisfied until every phone is tapped, every stoned overturned, every goat stared at, and every spoon bent. Today LaRiviere lives in Saskatoon and works by day as the unassuming Artistic Director of PAVED Arts. By night, becoming radicalized into inertia, the artist has focused on the Ouija, hatching various plans while indulging in personal amounts of LSD and electroshock therapy. From the range of such activities LaRiviere continues to pursue the very essence of Mind-control. Why, even at this moment he is right behind you, as you read these very words. His fingers reach into the creepy depths of your most primitive, reptilian brain with a cold shudder, and proceed to tap-out the value of your "trigger card." It's no use: plead "guilty," do your time, don't bother telling the judge you don't remember... after all, why bother to deny a firmly grasped smoking gun?

Cindy Baker: Unassuming but successful interdisciplinary and performance artist by day (as alter egos are wont to be), Cindy Baker has only recently allowed it to be revealed that over the past two "human decades," she has in fact been active as one of the world's most inimitable double agents in the field of psychic espionage. Dedicated to maintaining the purity of her motivations, Baker has staunchly refused to "go professional" in her field, taking on the work that she is so passionate about on purely a volunteer basis, making her comfortable living through the contemporary artwork which she is better-known by the general public for. This career in espionage, obviously, decimated by her decision to go public, Baker is now pursuing a new vocation in sensitivity training, a sort of legitimate version of the notorious 'sensitive' Chip Coffey, guiding gifted children to develop their psychic, sensitive, and telekinetic abilities. Having been herself trained since infancy in the very formalized military complex now scorned as the narrow-minded "goat-staring" school, Baker is dedicated to the creation of a new, mind-expanding academy of psychic arts and sciences.

Perhaps it was the brutal mental punishment meted out by the establishment for her insistence on using her powers "for good", (even in her elementary school days when she read the kindergarteners' futures in exchange for donating their milk money to select children's charities) that forged Cindy's path as a double agent. Perhaps it was her deep innate understanding of the wrong-headedness of the traditional North American school of psychic thought. Perhaps. And yet we are left wondering how it could be that this paragon of virtue has ended up a member of the powerfully dark triumvirate of psychic mastery that is the Malevenia Analysticians. Perhaps the possession of such incredible knowledge has bent her capacity for empathy. Perhaps the rest of the world cannot fully comprehend the massive role that this group must play within our universe. Or perhaps there is much yet to be learned about Cindy Baker, her complex web of motivations, and all that she is capable of.

Megan Morman: As a child in rural Minnesota, yearning for acceptance and searching for answers to the terrifying powers threatening to overwhelm her, Megan Morman turned to the world of High-IQ Societies: Mensa, Intertel, & ISPE. Though amusing, she soon grew tired of their puniness -- but not before discovering the writings of Crowley, Blavatsky, and famous Freemason Sebastian S. Kresge (founder of K-mart).

Now an adult, Morman has been relying on unassuming AIDS charity work as a guise, busying her body with mundane actions such as running up and down the stairs, and pretending not to know how to fix the photocopier. Have you ever wondered how Megan recruits so many volunteers? Wonder no more.

Who could have guessed that this shy, nerdy fat girl, during her copious free mental CPU cycles, was strategizing and orchestrating objectivist campaigns against both her former State and the individuals who stand in the way of her meteoric contemporary art career. In securing victory for her teammates, 'By Any Means Necessary' is Morman's vow... and she takes her vows very seriously.